Rearview: A short story

“It’s not just about you anymore.”

He said it matter-of-factly. So simple. So self-assured.

He adjusted the mirror to look at me in the back seat.

I leaned my head back and looked into the rearview mirror.

I could only see his eyes reflected in the glass.

His words pierced through my intoxicated fog and it was unnerving.

I thought he didn't get it. Didn't get me. But that was expected. No one did.

Hindsight being 20/20 I know he was the only one who truly saw me that night.

Who told me what I needed to know but didn't want to hear.

I hated what he said. But he was right.

Everything I went through. Everything I am going through. Everything I will go through.

It’s not just about me anymore.

See me

Can you see me?

The faded scars so light they seem like laugh lines.

Well hidden behind fake smiles and brave fronts.

No. Really. Can you see me?

The fear of rejection and abandonment behind twinkling eyes.

Stained glass windows hiding what lies inside.

I need you to see me.

So much more beneath the surface begging for sweet release.

Making me think if I could say it out loud just once, I’d find peace.

Trust

What would happen if I shared the darkest part of me?

If I cracked open my rib cage and exposed my insecurities?

Would you laugh? Or worse… judge me?

See to me trust doesn’t come easily.

I’m left jaded by years of hurt and secrecy.

But like the last thing out of Pandora’s Box my hope takes flight.

With each laugh, each tear, each word whispered late at night.

Stress Relief

Let’s not and say we did.

Do and say we didn’t

Tell secrets and lies.

Hide the truth behind our eyes.

Whisper in corners.

Kiss in darkness.

Succumb to our desires.

Light each other’s fires.

Steal glances across rooms.

Laugh as we consume.

Act less than our age.

Let’s play games.

Let’s tickle and tease.

Please with ease.

Let’s giggle and smirk.

While we’re putting in work.

Commonality

What defines us as human?

Our species?

Evolution?

Who deigned us humans?

How can people so different,

Different races, different ethnicities, different languages,

Always seem to find something in common?

 Pain is universal,

Love, suffering, happiness, anger,

It seems that feeling is above our division.

How else can we be moved by Latin music?

Weep during a foreign film?

Gaze in wonder at ancient artifacts?

Our emotions drive our commonality.

A unit uninterrupted by past or future.

A multiplied presence.

7 billion nerves in a giant body.

Individual cogs in a collective machine.

A Poor Substitute for Happiness

What happens when we search deep in ourselves and find something missing?

Something named, but undefinable.

An indescribable piece of our humanity that causes us to yearn for another.

Love perhaps.

We reach out, pleading with the universe for someone to reach back.

We give, hoping to receive.

And then we attach.

Our souls intertwine hopelessly, helplessly, unbreakably.

And then life intercedes with its misery, its reality, its stupidity.

For how can we give completely, when we never have all of ourselves?

How can we love endlessly, when we don’t truly know what it is?

But we are humans, we are relentless.

Even as we hurt, we stay.

Even when it’s wrong, we stay.

Even as we cry, we stay.

But the need is never filled because the love we find lacks the truth we require.

True love does not lie, we do.

True love does not scheme, we do.

True love does not cheat, we do.

So with smiles on our faces and sweet words on our tongue,

We serve this false love on a gilded platter to the ones we hold dear.

Never realizing that this is a poor substitute for happiness.

Everything I can't seem to say...

Where should I start?

I miss you, or I miss who you used to be, or I miss what could have been.
How's life? Are you having fun? Tell me about everything you've seen, everything you've done, everywhere you've been.
Do you get homesick? Do you miss your friends? Your family? Me?
Why don't we talk? Who should make the first move? Why are we so stubborn?
I miss the conversations we used to have. The ones where I looked into your eyes and watched your mouth move. The ones where I told you everything.
Your forgetful, controlling, awful. But I could look past all of that if you told me I was important to you.
Let's play the Blame Game, Nevermind we'll both lose.
Let's be children, I'll kick, you scream, throw tantrums on the floor.
Let's be lovers, kiss & tell, hold each other till we don't exist.
Pick a moment, ask the question, I'll say I love you, or I hate you.
My heart aches, or I feel nothing. Everyday you cross my mind, or I forget about you completely.
Would you like me to make it easy? You know I'd do anything for you.
Even now, even with the hatred and the bitterness, I'd still do anything for you...